Three little monkeys.... a post I was working on a while ago

It's been a long time since I've written anything. I've been really busy, but also changing...moving along in my grief journey. 
Some days I'm not sure how to live this life, this 'normal' life that I'm supposed to have. To most people it must look like a picture perfect, white picket fence kind of life. And I feel like I'm supposed to live up to that somehow, I'm supposed to be happy, satisfied....the picture of joy and wonder. Why wouldn't I be, after all, we have the perfect family...a boy and a girl. The list could go on about what is just right with my life, but if I wanted to list what isn't just right about my life I could make an equally long list. Mostly I try to focus on what I have to be happy about and mostly I am so very happy. Sometimes though, sometimes I can't help but think about what I'm missing, who I'm missing and how our family is missing him. I wonder how life would be with three kids, I wonder how they all would interact and play together. I want so badly to have that...to have three little monkeys giggling on the floor together.
My husband is always quick to remind me that we wouldn't have gone on to have Madeline if Maxwell would have lived and I know this, I know that we probably never would have had all three of them.... but I did, I did give birth to three beautiful babies and I did hold each of them. And I wanted to raise all three of them, I want to know what our life would have been like in this parallel universe. I want it all.

Maxwell's Birthday Fundraiser

What a blast we had planning and executing Max's birthday fundraiser and it was a huge success! It was truly a labor of love in his name and we really enjoyed having something that allowed us so much focus on him.








We chose to raise funds for the Kinsmen Foundation because we love their dedication to helping local families in need. They helped us travel to Toronto to see doctors when Max was diagnosed in utero with a congenital diaphragmatic hernia. They covered our travel and accommodation costs and were willing to continue to do so for as long as we needed to be there. They really do understand just how stressful it is for families in these situations and they did their best to make things as easy as possible for us.






So we wanted to help them to continue to help others in memory of our sweet little Max. We held our fundraiser at Schryer's Smoked BBQ house in Saskatoon on August 24th and almost one hundred people attended! There were silent auction items and door prizes and a 50/50 draw, it was fantastic and the food was great!

 Thanks to everyone who helped us celebrate Maxwell's second birthday in heaven and thanks for helping us raise funds for such a good cause!

Before and After

I think I will always think of my life as Before and After Max, especially the date of his diagnosis and the date of his birth and death. When I look back these are some of the most truly defining moments for us as a family. There is the general history of us, dating, our marriage, becoming parents, all normal and wonderful things and while I may have thought that these were life defining at the time....now they pale in comparison to the solid line drawn in my mind of Before and After.
Max's diagnosis and death forever changed my view of the world, in a way that I'm still learning about today. It's one thing to see terrible things happen in others' lives, to know that it's possible, but to still feel like those horrible things can't happen to us or any of my loved ones.
Slowly but surely life has settled into a new normal for us, but that defining line is drawn in my mind.... If someone talks about a past event or even if I look back a pictures of us, my immediate thought is that was either Before or After... The loss of our precious Max was truly the loss of innocence.

Happy 1st Birthday in heaven Baby Max!

 We had a beautiful celebration for Max's birthday at the baby memorial wall where we had his name added last spring. It's such a pretty place in the cemetery and we love to visit there often. We brought balloons to do a balloon release and everyone wrote a special message to send to him in heaven. The kids especially loved doing this and the party was truly started when some balloons got stuck in the trees. Oliver loved all the antics to get the balloons unstuck and then demanded that we get more stuck and do it again! We also brought cupcakes that my nieces helped to decorate for Max and they were a big hit too. Thanks to everyone who helped us celebrate!

This was really a day of mixed emotions for me. I didn't want the celebration to be sad and I'm so glad that it really was a joyful gathering of family and friends. However, the days leading up to it were difficult and so full of memories of labour starting, the waiting and worrying and the precious little time we had with him. It was so hard to believe it had been a year, somedays it still feels like yesterday...

 Instead of pictures of a one year old, I will share pictures of the celebration and some of the beautiful gifts we got as memorials. 

Happy Birthday little Max, hope our wishes found you in heaven.
Love always,
Mommy

Two boys and one girl

I thought I'd write about this as it has come up a few times recently for myself and a few others that I know.
I am and always will be a mother of two boys and one girl, that is how I think of myself. I have three children, one of them is no longer with me but I will always be his mother.
I know that most people just don't mention or don't want to bring Max up for fear of upsetting me. Don't worry, you won't. If I cry when you mention him, thank you for the opportunity to remember him. I won't ever forget that I have two sons, he is never far from my mind.
If you think I seem to be having a good day and you don't want to remind me...don't worry, it's not like I ever forget, even for a second, I'm just getting better at life again. And if I do cry, it wasn't you who made me, it was the loss of my child...and maybe I really needed to cry today.
I just want to clear this up, and I think I speak for many when I say that we appreciate remembrance of our children and will always think of ourselves as their mothers, whether they are here or not. Someone who has lost their only child is still a parent, likewise I will always think of myself as a mother of three.
I know that this is a touchy subject for many who have lost children, especially babies. When someone asks how many kids you have and how old they are....what do you say? Sometimes we go into detail (and people are sorry they asked), sometimes we don't, but we never forget. Sometimes filling out forms is awkward, there isn't always space or need for lengthy explanation....but we will never forget our child who is no longer with us.
Please don't feel like you shouldn't remember my child or mention him to me, he was and always will be a part of my life. His brief life meant as much to me as the lives of my other children, we just didn't have enough time together. It is what it is, denying that I ever had him will not change the fact that I lost my son. I choose to honour his memory instead.

Happy, healthy rainbow baby!

The D-day ultrasound went off without a hitch! Of course the technician couldn't tell us anything herself but by how quickly she was done scanning, I was pretty reassured that things were ok. The doctor and resident came in a little while later, went over everything again and explained that the baby looked perfect. She even rescanned the diaphragm to show us that everything was in place (I couldn't really make any if it out). Then she asked if we wanted to know the sex, which we did. We wanted to know absolutely everything, if they could tell me hair and eye colour too that would have been great! So she scanned a little more and settled on a picture, then pointed out that those were little girl parts! This picture was as clear as a bell to me. Such good and happy news about our rainbow baby, what a blessing! This mama's full of mixed emotions right now, very bittersweet.

Happy Canada Day!

July first, the eve of the big D-day ultrasound (as I've come to call it) and Happy Canada Day! As we enjoyed the beautiful weather today, hanging laundry on the line and lamenting that this is one of the last times for that with the move coming up, I was also remembering the day we moved in here. July first six years ago, we will move out after having lived here for six years and 15 days - give or take.
I can't help but to think how innocent and naive we were six years ago, those six years have been some of the best and worst of our lives. I think people often say that line, but most likely don't mean it as seriously as we do.
Anyways, we decided to stay close to home and pack and try to stay cool as our way of celebrating Canada Day. I've also been having a really tough time with the rapidly approaching ultrasound. It's been easy enough to put out of my mind, since there was nothing I could do about it, but now....it's driving me crazy. My nerves are very much on edge.
We went to an outdoor pool this evening for a quick dip and while I waited for Oliver and Andrew at the bottom of the water slide I had one of those moments where the grief hits you like a ton of bricks.  I thought, if things go badly tomorrow I know that the world will go on, but now I also know how empty things will feel.  This move to the new house, with the extra bedroom that I've started planning for the baby....it will all happen, but it will feel so...useless and empty. I know that feeling, I know about having to take those steps forward even when it feels like your world is crumbling around you....I know that I will get through it if I have to again, but I pray that God won't send us there again and that He won't put another baby through this.

Distractions

So we decided to list our house and look into moving. 'We're in no rush. Price it a little high' we told him... and it sold the very first day. Thankfully we found the house we wanted and managed to get it. We move in about a month! This all happened in the last two weeks, talk about a distraction.
So converging on us is July 10th: Oliver's birthday, moving day and 20 weeks pregnant (which means the ultrasound to rule out CDH). I should be fairly distracted in the coming weeks and have certainly had much less time to sit and worry about the odds, the chances and whatever else could go wrong. A blessing in disguise, I guess you could call it.
We are very much looking forward to the new house and Oliver's birthday. There is lots to plan and do, shopping for new appliances and window treatments and planning a birthday party. Oliver is excitedly awaiting his John Deere digger that he's picked out for his birthday, but we told him it will be there when we get to the new house. Tonight he decided he didn't want to sleep here anymore, he just wants to go to the new house and see his tractor! I think tomorrow we will have to make a count down calendar to help him understand the time frame...might help mommy too!
Busy, busy, busy....

Paddling up the river Denial...

I can't pretend anymore.... I've taken every kind of pregnancy test available and today the doctor confirmed it. For a little longer I think I'll live in denial, reality is too scary to ponder. To protect my heart (and sanity) I will continue as if nothing has changed. There may be a rainbow on the way, but I can't see it clearly yet.
Wow, I wrote that almost 3 months ago.... I'm pretty much over living in denial, my pants don't fit and the other day not only did I feel the baby move, I felt it from the outside. Ya, I guess I'm pregnant.
Some days it's still a little too fresh, too much of a reminder of Max, so denial is helpful...I may weave in and out of denial until the very end, who knows. The fact is it's a defense mechanism, it's too difficult to allow myself to be very hopeful. While I know that the odds are in our favor that everything will go well, to a parent who's lost an infant... giving them above 99% odds of a positive outcome seems like the reverse. That less than 1% chance is so gapingly huge, we know...we've been in it and now have so many friends who have too.
There are still a few weeks before they can rule out CDH and the waiting is torturous. I'm also all too aware of all the other things that can go wrong, having met so many people who've lost babies. It's no longer just our hurdle to get over, but also everyone else's as well.
Denial was helping me to protect myself from becoming attached to the idea that we might actually get to have a baby that we get to bring home and watch grow up.... and also from the guilt associated with wanting that, because it won't be Max. What a mixed bag of emotions!
I am finding that I'm more open to the idea, I wouldn't say excited, but certainly attached to the baby...with an awareness that nothing is forever, not our lives or our children's. Once again I leave myself and my child in HIS hands and pray that this child has a chance at life.

Well we're into May now... Sheesh time flies. We passed our first first...the anniversary of Max's diagnosis was April 26th. I'll never forget that day. I was scanning through Facebook posts of complaints about how ugly the weather was and thought about how nice it was the year before. What a beautiful sunny day it was, I went to my early morning appointment in sandals and capris and left my sweater at home. I was so excited to find out the baby's sex and had absolutely no idea that anything could be wrong. I'll never look at life through those rose coloured glasses again.
The other day I caught myself thinking it has been six months since Max was born, then I realized it's actually been almost nine. Almost nine months, he's been gone for almost as long as we had him. Wow!
I don't know when I stopped paying attention to the passage of time, I guess it got too painful to think about. I still don't like to think about it. It means it's been longer and longer since I've held him and it will still be such a long time until I can again. I will forever wait to see his face again.

We released balloons for him with the family on Mother's Day weekend. We really liked writing him notes and sending them to heaven. It's something we will do on his angelversary too, another first anniversary that's coming much too quickly.