Craziness, counselling and control issues

I have quite a few drafts or ideas that I'd started writing, but I haven't really published anything for a while.
Well, let me update you on our grief journey and life in general. Babies are sooo busy and truly a great distraction. It was a huge adjustment having Madeline and the first few weeks were really difficult, but as she came to be a person in her own right to me and not just a baby that couldn't replace the child we lost, as I came to love her and opened my heart to her and her place in our family, that all stopped mattering. It was no longer about how she wasn't Max and I could let myself love her and not feel guilty because I learned that they were mutually exclusive people. I stopped feeling guilty about her having a place in our family and life got easier, for a while.
As things started to slow down and the business of babies and sleepless nights ebbed away, I often found myself really angry. I finally termed it 'hulk smash mad' (ya, I hang out with a 5 year old a lot). Even my husband was noticing and pointing this out, the littlest thing could set me off. Something so minute could go wrong and I would react like it was the end of the world. I started to realize that I was really mad, really reaLLY REALLY MAD that I had these two beautiful children to raise and not my third.... (or really, second child). How do 3 babies add up to 2 children? It's just not fair.
So ok, I'm mad and that seems pretty normal given the situation.
All of this is coming along as Oliver is starting to get very articulate about his thoughts too. Between Oliver's questions about death and my anger and this sense that 'this is our life now' and I didn't quite know where or how we were supposed to go on.... I realized I might need some help dealing with this.
I got myself in to see a counselor who I had seen many years before, I got her up to date on my history and explained that I thought we might need some help dealing with our grief. She was so wonderful to talk to and she reassured me that Oliver would be fine and that with my support and understanding he didn't need to see someone himself. She gave me ideas about how to talk to him and coax things out of him without leading him on or putting ideas in his head. Simply to keep doing what I was doing really, let him talk, if he brings something up ask him how he feels about that, if he's worrying about it and reassure him.
One of the most interesting things that came out of seeing her was that she thought I was doing ok with the grief, she was more worried about this sense of 'what now?' that I had. She started to talk to me about post traumatic stress disorder... I tried to laugh it off, I mean... I didn't go to war! But the more we talked about it the more I realized that she was right and I've since heard a number of friends who lost babies admit that they too were diagnosed with PTSD. Awareness is half the battle, learning to relax... there is no imminent danger to myself or my children, nothing outside of the norm right now. I guess it's about finding a new normal and learning to settle into it, easier said than done.
So after a few sessions talking about that I knew that I just needed to spend time thinking about it and finding ways to allow myself to relax and enjoy life. I was still struggling with the anger, but who or what was it directed at? This counselor was so patient and just let me talk it all out, she would pick up on the smallest thing I said and lead me down the right path. Maybe it's just easier to see when you aren't so close to the situation. Well, I had another big insight....the anger is at myself. I'm mad at myself for being frustrated at the kids, I'm mad at myself for not doing well enough as a mother. I'm mad at myself for not being able to grow and keep Max safe and healthy. I want to be able to make up for not being able to parent all three of my kids, therefor I should be giving %150 to each of the two that I have here. I'm not good enough, I'm not doing well enough.... I realize that that won't bring Max back, but maybe this was my way of punishing myself or trying to make myself live up to being their mother.
I have been trying to hold on to everything so tight, because I know that I can't control anything really, but maybe if I just do better, be more.......
Or maybe I just need to learn to let go, take a deep breath and enjoy the here and now. That's really all we have anyways.

Max's 3rd Birthday in heaven

We've just celebrated Max's 3rd birthday in heaven and I'm moving in my grief journey....moving on, moving forward, parallel... who knows, but I'm moving.
The last few months has been better in many ways, but also more difficult in others. As I find myself embracing the growth and progress of the other two, even being able to let go a bit, embrace that they do get to enjoy life and trying to let go enough to let them.... to not bubble wrap them... I also find myself seeing Max in other children. I knew so many babies born that same year, right around the time he was... I never used to let myself compare them, I was always reminding myself that he would have been very sick if he'd lived and couldn't have lived so there was no point in going there.... but I can't seem to stop myself now...
Maybe it's because when the grief was just too raw I couldn't even let myself think that, but now that it's mellowed, more bittersweet and not always so intense.... I see him in those kids and sometimes my heart lurches into my throat....and I let myself wonder, daydream really about how a sweet little boy like that might fit into the hole in our family....
Anyways, it's three years since I held him... Smelled his sweet head and kissed his soft cheeks.... and I still think of him everyday, always...I'm pretty sure I will still feel like this, even fifty years from now.
Happy Birthday my sweet boy!

Three little monkeys.... a post I was working on a while ago

It's been a long time since I've written anything. I've been really busy, but also changing...moving along in my grief journey. 
Some days I'm not sure how to live this life, this 'normal' life that I'm supposed to have. To most people it must look like a picture perfect, white picket fence kind of life. And I feel like I'm supposed to live up to that somehow, I'm supposed to be happy, satisfied....the picture of joy and wonder. Why wouldn't I be, after all, we have the perfect family...a boy and a girl. The list could go on about what is just right with my life, but if I wanted to list what isn't just right about my life I could make an equally long list. Mostly I try to focus on what I have to be happy about and mostly I am so very happy. Sometimes though, sometimes I can't help but think about what I'm missing, who I'm missing and how our family is missing him. I wonder how life would be with three kids, I wonder how they all would interact and play together. I want so badly to have that...to have three little monkeys giggling on the floor together.
My husband is always quick to remind me that we wouldn't have gone on to have Madeline if Maxwell would have lived and I know this, I know that we probably never would have had all three of them.... but I did, I did give birth to three beautiful babies and I did hold each of them. And I wanted to raise all three of them, I want to know what our life would have been like in this parallel universe. I want it all.

Happy, healthy rainbow baby!

The D-day ultrasound went off without a hitch! Of course the technician couldn't tell us anything herself but by how quickly she was done scanning, I was pretty reassured that things were ok. The doctor and resident came in a little while later, went over everything again and explained that the baby looked perfect. She even rescanned the diaphragm to show us that everything was in place (I couldn't really make any if it out). Then she asked if we wanted to know the sex, which we did. We wanted to know absolutely everything, if they could tell me hair and eye colour too that would have been great! So she scanned a little more and settled on a picture, then pointed out that those were little girl parts! This picture was as clear as a bell to me. Such good and happy news about our rainbow baby, what a blessing! This mama's full of mixed emotions right now, very bittersweet.

Happy Canada Day!

July first, the eve of the big D-day ultrasound (as I've come to call it) and Happy Canada Day! As we enjoyed the beautiful weather today, hanging laundry on the line and lamenting that this is one of the last times for that with the move coming up, I was also remembering the day we moved in here. July first six years ago, we will move out after having lived here for six years and 15 days - give or take.
I can't help but to think how innocent and naive we were six years ago, those six years have been some of the best and worst of our lives. I think people often say that line, but most likely don't mean it as seriously as we do.
Anyways, we decided to stay close to home and pack and try to stay cool as our way of celebrating Canada Day. I've also been having a really tough time with the rapidly approaching ultrasound. It's been easy enough to put out of my mind, since there was nothing I could do about it, but now....it's driving me crazy. My nerves are very much on edge.
We went to an outdoor pool this evening for a quick dip and while I waited for Oliver and Andrew at the bottom of the water slide I had one of those moments where the grief hits you like a ton of bricks.  I thought, if things go badly tomorrow I know that the world will go on, but now I also know how empty things will feel.  This move to the new house, with the extra bedroom that I've started planning for the baby....it will all happen, but it will feel so...useless and empty. I know that feeling, I know about having to take those steps forward even when it feels like your world is crumbling around you....I know that I will get through it if I have to again, but I pray that God won't send us there again and that He won't put another baby through this.