Come on baby Madeline!

I'm actually sitting here having mild contractions, but this has been happening off and on for almost a week now. While I'm only 38 weeks now, this false labour is making me crazy... I wish it would just start or stop already. Also, I'm very anxious to meet this baby and have her safely in my arms. This anxiety is pretty normal I guess, I thought that things would be better after the ultrasound and knowing that the baby seems healthy... It did help a bit, but I'm very aware of all sorts of things that could go wrong and I don't know that that worry will ever go away. Somehow I feel like being able to hold her and see her will help, but I know that I'll still worry. As it is I worry myself sick about Oliver... Andrew often tells me I can't keep him in bubble wrap forever!
Anyways, I've been talking to Maddy and telling her to hurry up... Today I thought I'd try Max, so I told him to tell his little sister to come out and meet us. Maybe that's why she's being so stubborn, she's hanging out with him...

Before and After

I think I will always think of my life as Before and After Max, especially the date of his diagnosis and the date of his birth and death. When I look back these are some of the most truly defining moments for us as a family. There is the general history of us, dating, our marriage, becoming parents, all normal and wonderful things and while I may have thought that these were life defining at the time....now they pale in comparison to the solid line drawn in my mind of Before and After.
Max's diagnosis and death forever changed my view of the world, in a way that I'm still learning about today. It's one thing to see terrible things happen in others' lives, to know that it's possible, but to still feel like those horrible things can't happen to us or any of my loved ones.
Slowly but surely life has settled into a new normal for us, but that defining line is drawn in my mind.... If someone talks about a past event or even if I look back a pictures of us, my immediate thought is that was either Before or After... The loss of our precious Max was truly the loss of innocence.

Happy 1st Birthday in heaven Baby Max!

 We had a beautiful celebration for Max's birthday at the baby memorial wall where we had his name added last spring. It's such a pretty place in the cemetery and we love to visit there often. We brought balloons to do a balloon release and everyone wrote a special message to send to him in heaven. The kids especially loved doing this and the party was truly started when some balloons got stuck in the trees. Oliver loved all the antics to get the balloons unstuck and then demanded that we get more stuck and do it again! We also brought cupcakes that my nieces helped to decorate for Max and they were a big hit too. Thanks to everyone who helped us celebrate!

This was really a day of mixed emotions for me. I didn't want the celebration to be sad and I'm so glad that it really was a joyful gathering of family and friends. However, the days leading up to it were difficult and so full of memories of labour starting, the waiting and worrying and the precious little time we had with him. It was so hard to believe it had been a year, somedays it still feels like yesterday...

 Instead of pictures of a one year old, I will share pictures of the celebration and some of the beautiful gifts we got as memorials. 

Happy Birthday little Max, hope our wishes found you in heaven.
Love always,
Mommy

Two boys and one girl

I thought I'd write about this as it has come up a few times recently for myself and a few others that I know.
I am and always will be a mother of two boys and one girl, that is how I think of myself. I have three children, one of them is no longer with me but I will always be his mother.
I know that most people just don't mention or don't want to bring Max up for fear of upsetting me. Don't worry, you won't. If I cry when you mention him, thank you for the opportunity to remember him. I won't ever forget that I have two sons, he is never far from my mind.
If you think I seem to be having a good day and you don't want to remind me...don't worry, it's not like I ever forget, even for a second, I'm just getting better at life again. And if I do cry, it wasn't you who made me, it was the loss of my child...and maybe I really needed to cry today.
I just want to clear this up, and I think I speak for many when I say that we appreciate remembrance of our children and will always think of ourselves as their mothers, whether they are here or not. Someone who has lost their only child is still a parent, likewise I will always think of myself as a mother of three.
I know that this is a touchy subject for many who have lost children, especially babies. When someone asks how many kids you have and how old they are....what do you say? Sometimes we go into detail (and people are sorry they asked), sometimes we don't, but we never forget. Sometimes filling out forms is awkward, there isn't always space or need for lengthy explanation....but we will never forget our child who is no longer with us.
Please don't feel like you shouldn't remember my child or mention him to me, he was and always will be a part of my life. His brief life meant as much to me as the lives of my other children, we just didn't have enough time together. It is what it is, denying that I ever had him will not change the fact that I lost my son. I choose to honour his memory instead.

Happy, healthy rainbow baby!

The D-day ultrasound went off without a hitch! Of course the technician couldn't tell us anything herself but by how quickly she was done scanning, I was pretty reassured that things were ok. The doctor and resident came in a little while later, went over everything again and explained that the baby looked perfect. She even rescanned the diaphragm to show us that everything was in place (I couldn't really make any if it out). Then she asked if we wanted to know the sex, which we did. We wanted to know absolutely everything, if they could tell me hair and eye colour too that would have been great! So she scanned a little more and settled on a picture, then pointed out that those were little girl parts! This picture was as clear as a bell to me. Such good and happy news about our rainbow baby, what a blessing! This mama's full of mixed emotions right now, very bittersweet.

Happy Canada Day!

July first, the eve of the big D-day ultrasound (as I've come to call it) and Happy Canada Day! As we enjoyed the beautiful weather today, hanging laundry on the line and lamenting that this is one of the last times for that with the move coming up, I was also remembering the day we moved in here. July first six years ago, we will move out after having lived here for six years and 15 days - give or take.
I can't help but to think how innocent and naive we were six years ago, those six years have been some of the best and worst of our lives. I think people often say that line, but most likely don't mean it as seriously as we do.
Anyways, we decided to stay close to home and pack and try to stay cool as our way of celebrating Canada Day. I've also been having a really tough time with the rapidly approaching ultrasound. It's been easy enough to put out of my mind, since there was nothing I could do about it, but now....it's driving me crazy. My nerves are very much on edge.
We went to an outdoor pool this evening for a quick dip and while I waited for Oliver and Andrew at the bottom of the water slide I had one of those moments where the grief hits you like a ton of bricks.  I thought, if things go badly tomorrow I know that the world will go on, but now I also know how empty things will feel.  This move to the new house, with the extra bedroom that I've started planning for the baby....it will all happen, but it will feel so...useless and empty. I know that feeling, I know about having to take those steps forward even when it feels like your world is crumbling around you....I know that I will get through it if I have to again, but I pray that God won't send us there again and that He won't put another baby through this.

Distractions

So we decided to list our house and look into moving. 'We're in no rush. Price it a little high' we told him... and it sold the very first day. Thankfully we found the house we wanted and managed to get it. We move in about a month! This all happened in the last two weeks, talk about a distraction.
So converging on us is July 10th: Oliver's birthday, moving day and 20 weeks pregnant (which means the ultrasound to rule out CDH). I should be fairly distracted in the coming weeks and have certainly had much less time to sit and worry about the odds, the chances and whatever else could go wrong. A blessing in disguise, I guess you could call it.
We are very much looking forward to the new house and Oliver's birthday. There is lots to plan and do, shopping for new appliances and window treatments and planning a birthday party. Oliver is excitedly awaiting his John Deere digger that he's picked out for his birthday, but we told him it will be there when we get to the new house. Tonight he decided he didn't want to sleep here anymore, he just wants to go to the new house and see his tractor! I think tomorrow we will have to make a count down calendar to help him understand the time frame...might help mommy too!
Busy, busy, busy....