Rantings.....

Today I am looking through the pictures from the day Max was born and as I'm sitting here crying all over the computer the phone rings, it's the genetic counselor wanting to book an appointment. I'm trying to compose myself and tell her that we'd like to meet with them and discuss their findings (even thought I'm sure there isn't any new news), but they'll give us an idea of chances of having another child with CDH. She starts telling me how sorry she is for my loss and asking me if I've been doing ok and saying how she knows that anniversaries of certain dates can be difficult and even just getting a phone call about this can be difficult. What are the chances that she calls and wants to talk about this just as I'm bawling all over the place? Seriously!
Anyways, I feel like we failed him as parents. That's what I was thinking, looking at the pictures. Why couldn't he have been healthy? I don't even ask what did I do that caused this because I know that I can't find an answer, but I'm his mom... I was supposed to be able to bring him into this world safely and I was supposed to be able to kiss all his boo boos and make everything ok. I couldn't fix him, nothing I could do could make him better. I'm so sorry baby Max, I'm so sorry mommy couldn't make you better. That is probably the worst feeling a parent could ever have.
Some days it makes me hate the world. Anyone watch Grey's Anatomy? Some days I think I would be like Meredtih Grey if I were to have another baby, absolutely no faith in my own ability to carry and grow a healthy child. I have a hostile uterus. 

All you can do is try

Wow, it's March already...time flies. I can't believe how quickly this winter is passing. I was so worried that these would be horribly dark days, I really thought that this would push me over the edge into postpartum depression. I suppose, given my circumstances, it wouldn't be a huge shock if it happened. I do feel depressed sometimes, but nothing like I felt after Oliver was born, thank goodness. I look back now and think it's almost comical that I was such a mess after he was born because I wanted to be happy and I was so immediately in love with him, I had every reason to not be depressed then and absolutely every reason to be depressed now.... Then again, I know that that was a true depression, nothing I did helped and there was no way out. I needed medication and I hated that.
I hate that people start to assume that if I talk about being upset or depressed now, that I might need medication.... I have bad days, it's normal. I'm grieving, that is healthy. I don't want to medicate myself so that I'm numb to the feelings. I do enough myself, just trying to stay so busy so that I don't have too much time to think.
I did decide to go back to school, just one class at a time. I'm going to work towards finishing my education degree. It may take me until I'm forty, but at least I'm doing something. I'm also really enjoying the class I'm taking right now.
I have Oliver in swimming lessons and I'm working two nights a week and Saturdays. I am busy enough that some days I feel like I can't see straight, that's how I like it. Hence the semi monthly entries, if I'm lucky....
Anyways, on top of everything it's time to think about trying again, if we are going to have another baby. While I sometimes feel like after everything we've been through, we could take on the world, then again...maybe not. Maybe I should be happy with what we have and not ask for anything more. Maybe I'm just a coward, maybe I can't do it all. Lord knows, I've been knocked down a few times..... Maybe I'll leave it in His hands.