Our family

Our family

Thursday, June 6, 2013


So we decided to list our house and look into moving. 'We're in no rush. Price it a little high' we told him... and it sold the very first day. Thankfully we found the house we wanted and managed to get it. We move in about a month! This all happened in the last two weeks, talk about a distraction.
So converging on us is July 10th: Oliver's birthday, moving day and 20 weeks pregnant (which means the ultrasound to rule out CDH). I should be fairly distracted in the coming weeks and have certainly had much less time to sit and worry about the odds, the chances and whatever else could go wrong. A blessing in disguise, I guess you could call it.
We are very much looking forward to the new house and Oliver's birthday. There is lots to plan and do, shopping for new appliances and window treatments and planning a birthday party. Oliver is excitedly awaiting his John Deere digger that he's picked out for his birthday, but we told him it will be there when we get to the new house. Tonight he decided he didn't want to sleep here anymore, he just wants to go to the new house and see his tractor! I think tomorrow we will have to make a count down calendar to help him understand the time frame...might help mommy too!
Busy, busy, busy....

Paddling up the river Denial...

I can't pretend anymore.... I've taken every kind of pregnancy test available and today the doctor confirmed it. For a little longer I think I'll live in denial, reality is too scary to ponder. To protect my heart (and sanity) I will continue as if nothing has changed. There may be a rainbow on the way, but I can't see it clearly yet.
Wow, I wrote that almost 3 months ago.... I'm pretty much over living in denial, my pants don't fit and the other day not only did I feel the baby move, I felt it from the outside. Ya, I guess I'm pregnant.
Some days it's still a little too fresh, too much of a reminder of Max, so denial is helpful...I may weave in and out of denial until the very end, who knows. The fact is it's a defense mechanism, it's too difficult to allow myself to be very hopeful. While I know that the odds are in our favor that everything will go well, to a parent who's lost an infant... giving them above 99% odds of a positive outcome seems like the reverse. That less than 1% chance is so gapingly huge, we know...we've been in it and now have so many friends who have too.
There are still a few weeks before they can rule out CDH and the waiting is torturous. I'm also all too aware of all the other things that can go wrong, having met so many people who've lost babies. It's no longer just our hurdle to get over, but also everyone else's as well.
Denial was helping me to protect myself from becoming attached to the idea that we might actually get to have a baby that we get to bring home and watch grow up.... and also from the guilt associated with wanting that, because it won't be Max. What a mixed bag of emotions!
I am finding that I'm more open to the idea, I wouldn't say excited, but certainly attached to the baby...with an awareness that nothing is forever, not our lives or our children's. Once again I leave myself and my child in HIS hands and pray that this child has a chance at life.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Well we're into May now... Sheesh time flies. We passed our first first...the anniversary of Max's diagnosis was April 26th. I'll never forget that day. I was scanning through Facebook posts of complaints about how ugly the weather was and thought about how nice it was the year before. What a beautiful sunny day it was, I went to my early morning appointment in sandals and capris and left my sweater at home. I was so excited to find out the baby's sex and had absolutely no idea that anything could be wrong. I'll never look at life through those rose coloured glasses again.
The other day I caught myself thinking it has been six months since Max was born, then I realized it's actually been almost nine. Almost nine months, he's been gone for almost as long as we had him. Wow!
I don't know when I stopped paying attention to the passage of time, I guess it got too painful to think about. I still don't like to think about it. It means it's been longer and longer since I've held him and it will still be such a long time until I can again. I will forever wait to see his face again.
We released balloons for him with the family on Mother's Day weekend. We really liked writing him notes and sending them to heaven. It's something we will do on his angelversary too, another first anniversary that's coming much too quickly.