Our family

Our family

Friday, November 30, 2012


I had my memorial tattoo for Max done and I'm so happy with how it turned out!
At first I wasn't sure if I wanted to do anything more than just the butterfly, something little. I thought I didn't want something that said to everyone that I had 'lost a baby' (I hate that sentence, maybe more on that later). I was worried that it might become a conversation topic when I didn't want it to and that it might upset me. I finally realized that it upsets me, whether I have a tattoo or not and whether or not I see it all the time....it's always there.
I decided to have his footprint tattooed on my wrist, surrounded by stars and a butterfly to symbolize his spiritual transition. The butterfly is also designed to have the shape of an M in the wing.
I am so very glad that we took his footprints that day in the hospital. I thought they'd just be a keepsake in a book somewhere, I didn't have any idea at the time what they would mean to me.
I will always carry this mark on my heart, where a piece of it died with Max that day. Now I have his footprint seared on my wrist as indelibly as the print it left on my soul.

Little Footprints
by Dorothy Ferguson 
How very softly you tiptoed into my world.
Almost silently, only a moment you stayed. 
But what an imprint your footsteps have left upon my heart

Spilled Milk

I'm finding myself short on patience lately, I don't want to always be so angry. I guess it's just the spilled milk issue...trust me, it's not worth crying over. Wipe it up and move on, don't waste your energy getting so upset over something so simple and please don't expect me to empathize.
I know that life is slowly settling back into a routine and life and death matters aren't so close to the forefront of my mind, but I'm reminded everyday that there are more important things than the bills being paid and whether or not I remember to call someone back. I don't mean to or want to compare things, but when someone complains to me about an issue...it's hard not to. I guess my perspective is very different than it used to be. I also feel very used up and empty, I don't have much sympathy to give right now. I don't really have anything to give right now. 
Sometimes I feel really good for a few days, maybe even a week or so...but then I fall back for a few days. It seems to be settling into a pattern and I notice that if I'm feeling especially well for a while, I'm going to crash for a few days. It's like I find the joy in life again, but I'm not quite ready for it. The contrast in being able to find any joy is brought into such stark relief with the sadness and pain.  
I do find that the grief still surprises me at the most unusual times. The places I've cried....not really anywhere you'd necessarily suspect to cry and sometimes the obvious places too. The shower, my bed, work, the cereal aisle at the grocery store, the gas station waiting to get my gas pumped and driving on the freeway. It's almost funny how normal it has become to cry, but certainly not over spilled milk.....

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Anger and hate

Wow, have I ever been angry lately! Sometimes I've been so angry that I almost can't stand myself. I found my thoughts focusing on old hurts and people that aren't even in my life anymore, just ranting, angry thoughts. I feel so hateful! I hate the world somedays. I hate other drivers while I'm driving, I hate that woman who smiled at me - she looks too happy. I hate the red lights, I hate the snow, I hate, hate, hate! I finally realized the other day that this anger has nothing to do with any of these old issues or the world itself, it's part of the grief. I am angry that my child died. I hate that my baby died and never got a chance at life.
Of course I'm angry, I'm so mad at the world right now. I want to yell and scream and I want someone to hurt as bad as I do! I hate that some people are hurting as bad as I am. I know this isn't helping, lashing out will only make me feel worse in the long run. I'm not that kind of person, I can't stay this level of angry for very long. It hurts to feel so wound up, but that's how everything feels lately. It all just hurts.