Our family

Our family

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Paddling up the river Denial...

I can't pretend anymore.... I've taken every kind of pregnancy test available and today the doctor confirmed it. For a little longer I think I'll live in denial, reality is too scary to ponder. To protect my heart (and sanity) I will continue as if nothing has changed. There may be a rainbow on the way, but I can't see it clearly yet.
Wow, I wrote that almost 3 months ago.... I'm pretty much over living in denial, my pants don't fit and the other day not only did I feel the baby move, I felt it from the outside. Ya, I guess I'm pregnant.
Some days it's still a little too fresh, too much of a reminder of Max, so denial is helpful...I may weave in and out of denial until the very end, who knows. The fact is it's a defense mechanism, it's too difficult to allow myself to be very hopeful. While I know that the odds are in our favor that everything will go well, to a parent who's lost an infant... giving them above 99% odds of a positive outcome seems like the reverse. That less than 1% chance is so gapingly huge, we know...we've been in it and now have so many friends who have too.
There are still a few weeks before they can rule out CDH and the waiting is torturous. I'm also all too aware of all the other things that can go wrong, having met so many people who've lost babies. It's no longer just our hurdle to get over, but also everyone else's as well.
Denial was helping me to protect myself from becoming attached to the idea that we might actually get to have a baby that we get to bring home and watch grow up.... and also from the guilt associated with wanting that, because it won't be Max. What a mixed bag of emotions!
I am finding that I'm more open to the idea, I wouldn't say excited, but certainly attached to the baby...with an awareness that nothing is forever, not our lives or our children's. Once again I leave myself and my child in HIS hands and pray that this child has a chance at life.

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