Before and After

I think I will always think of my life as Before and After Max, especially the date of his diagnosis and the date of his birth and death. When I look back these are some of the most truly defining moments for us as a family. There is the general history of us, dating, our marriage, becoming parents, all normal and wonderful things and while I may have thought that these were life defining at the time....now they pale in comparison to the solid line drawn in my mind of Before and After.
Max's diagnosis and death forever changed my view of the world, in a way that I'm still learning about today. It's one thing to see terrible things happen in others' lives, to know that it's possible, but to still feel like those horrible things can't happen to us or any of my loved ones.
Slowly but surely life has settled into a new normal for us, but that defining line is drawn in my mind.... If someone talks about a past event or even if I look back a pictures of us, my immediate thought is that was either Before or After... The loss of our precious Max was truly the loss of innocence.

Happy 1st Birthday in heaven Baby Max!

 We had a beautiful celebration for Max's birthday at the baby memorial wall where we had his name added last spring. It's such a pretty place in the cemetery and we love to visit there often. We brought balloons to do a balloon release and everyone wrote a special message to send to him in heaven. The kids especially loved doing this and the party was truly started when some balloons got stuck in the trees. Oliver loved all the antics to get the balloons unstuck and then demanded that we get more stuck and do it again! We also brought cupcakes that my nieces helped to decorate for Max and they were a big hit too. Thanks to everyone who helped us celebrate!

This was really a day of mixed emotions for me. I didn't want the celebration to be sad and I'm so glad that it really was a joyful gathering of family and friends. However, the days leading up to it were difficult and so full of memories of labour starting, the waiting and worrying and the precious little time we had with him. It was so hard to believe it had been a year, somedays it still feels like yesterday...

 Instead of pictures of a one year old, I will share pictures of the celebration and some of the beautiful gifts we got as memorials. 

Happy Birthday little Max, hope our wishes found you in heaven.
Love always,
Mommy