July first, the eve of the big D-day ultrasound (as I've come to call it) and Happy Canada Day! As we enjoyed the beautiful weather today, hanging laundry on the line and lamenting that this is one of the last times for that with the move coming up, I was also remembering the day we moved in here. July first six years ago, we will move out after having lived here for six years and 15 days - give or take.
I can't help but to think how innocent and naive we were six years ago, those six years have been some of the best and worst of our lives. I think people often say that line, but most likely don't mean it as seriously as we do.
Anyways, we decided to stay close to home and pack and try to stay cool as our way of celebrating Canada Day. I've also been having a really tough time with the rapidly approaching ultrasound. It's been easy enough to put out of my mind, since there was nothing I could do about it, but now....it's driving me crazy. My nerves are very much on edge.
We went to an outdoor pool this evening for a quick dip and while I waited for Oliver and Andrew at the bottom of the water slide I had one of those moments where the grief hits you like a ton of bricks. I thought, if things go badly tomorrow I know that the world will go on, but now I also know how empty things will feel. This move to the new house, with the extra bedroom that I've started planning for the baby....it will all happen, but it will feel so...useless and empty. I know that feeling, I know about having to take those steps forward even when it feels like your world is crumbling around you....I know that I will get through it if I have to again, but I pray that God won't send us there again and that He won't put another baby through this.