Our family

Our family

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Max's 3rd Birthday in heaven

We've just celebrated Max's 3rd birthday in heaven and I'm moving in my grief journey....moving on, moving forward, parallel... who knows, but I'm moving.
The last few months has been better in many ways, but also more difficult in others. As I find myself embracing the growth and progress of the other two, even being able to let go a bit, embrace that they do get to enjoy life and trying to let go enough to let them.... to not bubble wrap them... I also find myself seeing Max in other children. I knew so many babies born that same year, right around the time he was... I never used to let myself compare them, I was always reminding myself that he would have been very sick if he'd lived and couldn't have lived so there was no point in going there.... but I can't seem to stop myself now...
Maybe it's because when the grief was just too raw I couldn't even let myself think that, but now that it's mellowed, more bittersweet and not always so intense.... I see him in those kids and sometimes my heart lurches into my throat....and I let myself wonder, daydream really about how a sweet little boy like that might fit into the hole in our family....
Anyways, it's three years since I held him... Smelled his sweet head and kissed his soft cheeks.... and I still think of him everyday, always...I'm pretty sure I will still feel like this, even fifty years from now.
Happy Birthday my sweet boy!

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