I definitely have good days and bad days. The feelings have been overwhelming at times, but then there are times that I'm able to totally put reality out of my mind and just live in the moment. Reality tends to come crashing back like a sledge hammer though. For example, happily painting my nails tonight and enjoying some adult time...it occurs to me that I shouldn't be doing any of this. I should be busy with my baby..... Sometimes it's like it hits me, that this really happened to US... The pain in that moment is so powerful that it takes my breath away and I have to think about anything else. It's like I can only deal with the grief in small increments or I would be totally overcome.
Sometimes I've even felt relieved that the waiting is over, the waiting and worrying and wondering how things would go for Max and if he would suffer very much. Then I feel guilty for being relieved. I know it is probably normal to feel this way considering our circumstances, but I would also give anything to still be pregnant. This was all over too soon for me, I wasn't ready to let go of him. I remember telling the doctors that if there was anything they could do to help him, I would stay pregnant for another year if that's what it took. I wish I could have. I would give anything to have him with me for just one more moment.