I can't think of any better way to explain this than this. Having Madeline, adding to our family again....I feel like part of my alphabet is missing or the number two from my count. I have baby one and baby three here and somehow that adds up to two... But I don't have two kids, I have three.
I can see so clearly the hole that Max left in our family. There is a size missing between my great big three and a half year old and this new baby, there should be a one and a half year old too.
And now, having Madeline, I can't help to notice all of the things that we missed out on with Max. All of these thoughts that I wouldn't let myself have, the places I tried to avoid going... I can't watch Madeline doing all of these things and not think about how he didn't have the chance to do them. Thinking about what he would have looked like smiling and how he would have sounded if he could have cried or cooed. It's like I can't move forward with my family without devoting some time to his memory and who he could have been.
It's painful. It is cracking open the grief all over again, but it's probably a good thing. I think in a way it's healing too.
I will always feel that someone is missing from our family, this void will always be here. While I do sometimes answer that I have two kids, I feel like I'm lying. I feel like people must know or see through my answer as I stutter over the number, because it just doesn't add up.