Paddling up the river Denial...

I can't pretend anymore.... I've taken every kind of pregnancy test available and today the doctor confirmed it. For a little longer I think I'll live in denial, reality is too scary to ponder. To protect my heart (and sanity) I will continue as if nothing has changed. There may be a rainbow on the way, but I can't see it clearly yet.
Wow, I wrote that almost 3 months ago.... I'm pretty much over living in denial, my pants don't fit and the other day not only did I feel the baby move, I felt it from the outside. Ya, I guess I'm pregnant.
Some days it's still a little too fresh, too much of a reminder of Max, so denial is helpful...I may weave in and out of denial until the very end, who knows. The fact is it's a defense mechanism, it's too difficult to allow myself to be very hopeful. While I know that the odds are in our favor that everything will go well, to a parent who's lost an infant... giving them above 99% odds of a positive outcome seems like the reverse. That less than 1% chance is so gapingly huge, we know...we've been in it and now have so many friends who have too.
There are still a few weeks before they can rule out CDH and the waiting is torturous. I'm also all too aware of all the other things that can go wrong, having met so many people who've lost babies. It's no longer just our hurdle to get over, but also everyone else's as well.
Denial was helping me to protect myself from becoming attached to the idea that we might actually get to have a baby that we get to bring home and watch grow up.... and also from the guilt associated with wanting that, because it won't be Max. What a mixed bag of emotions!
I am finding that I'm more open to the idea, I wouldn't say excited, but certainly attached to the baby...with an awareness that nothing is forever, not our lives or our children's. Once again I leave myself and my child in HIS hands and pray that this child has a chance at life.

Well we're into May now... Sheesh time flies. We passed our first first...the anniversary of Max's diagnosis was April 26th. I'll never forget that day. I was scanning through Facebook posts of complaints about how ugly the weather was and thought about how nice it was the year before. What a beautiful sunny day it was, I went to my early morning appointment in sandals and capris and left my sweater at home. I was so excited to find out the baby's sex and had absolutely no idea that anything could be wrong. I'll never look at life through those rose coloured glasses again.
The other day I caught myself thinking it has been six months since Max was born, then I realized it's actually been almost nine. Almost nine months, he's been gone for almost as long as we had him. Wow!
I don't know when I stopped paying attention to the passage of time, I guess it got too painful to think about. I still don't like to think about it. It means it's been longer and longer since I've held him and it will still be such a long time until I can again. I will forever wait to see his face again.

We released balloons for him with the family on Mother's Day weekend. We really liked writing him notes and sending them to heaven. It's something we will do on his angelversary too, another first anniversary that's coming much too quickly.

Rantings.....

Today I am looking through the pictures from the day Max was born and as I'm sitting here crying all over the computer the phone rings, it's the genetic counselor wanting to book an appointment. I'm trying to compose myself and tell her that we'd like to meet with them and discuss their findings (even thought I'm sure there isn't any new news), but they'll give us an idea of chances of having another child with CDH. She starts telling me how sorry she is for my loss and asking me if I've been doing ok and saying how she knows that anniversaries of certain dates can be difficult and even just getting a phone call about this can be difficult. What are the chances that she calls and wants to talk about this just as I'm bawling all over the place? Seriously!
Anyways, I feel like we failed him as parents. That's what I was thinking, looking at the pictures. Why couldn't he have been healthy? I don't even ask what did I do that caused this because I know that I can't find an answer, but I'm his mom... I was supposed to be able to bring him into this world safely and I was supposed to be able to kiss all his boo boos and make everything ok. I couldn't fix him, nothing I could do could make him better. I'm so sorry baby Max, I'm so sorry mommy couldn't make you better. That is probably the worst feeling a parent could ever have.
Some days it makes me hate the world. Anyone watch Grey's Anatomy? Some days I think I would be like Meredtih Grey if I were to have another baby, absolutely no faith in my own ability to carry and grow a healthy child. I have a hostile uterus. 

All you can do is try

Wow, it's March already...time flies. I can't believe how quickly this winter is passing. I was so worried that these would be horribly dark days, I really thought that this would push me over the edge into postpartum depression. I suppose, given my circumstances, it wouldn't be a huge shock if it happened. I do feel depressed sometimes, but nothing like I felt after Oliver was born, thank goodness. I look back now and think it's almost comical that I was such a mess after he was born because I wanted to be happy and I was so immediately in love with him, I had every reason to not be depressed then and absolutely every reason to be depressed now.... Then again, I know that that was a true depression, nothing I did helped and there was no way out. I needed medication and I hated that.
I hate that people start to assume that if I talk about being upset or depressed now, that I might need medication.... I have bad days, it's normal. I'm grieving, that is healthy. I don't want to medicate myself so that I'm numb to the feelings. I do enough myself, just trying to stay so busy so that I don't have too much time to think.
I did decide to go back to school, just one class at a time. I'm going to work towards finishing my education degree. It may take me until I'm forty, but at least I'm doing something. I'm also really enjoying the class I'm taking right now.
I have Oliver in swimming lessons and I'm working two nights a week and Saturdays. I am busy enough that some days I feel like I can't see straight, that's how I like it. Hence the semi monthly entries, if I'm lucky....
Anyways, on top of everything it's time to think about trying again, if we are going to have another baby. While I sometimes feel like after everything we've been through, we could take on the world, then again...maybe not. Maybe I should be happy with what we have and not ask for anything more. Maybe I'm just a coward, maybe I can't do it all. Lord knows, I've been knocked down a few times..... Maybe I'll leave it in His hands.

My Funny Valentines

I hope everyone had a wonderful Valentine's Day! We had a very busy day of friends, playdates and coffee for Mama and we served heart-shaped cookies that Oliver helped decorate! Andrew stopped by on his lunch break to deliver me a beautiful bouquet of flowers (I'm surprised he braved the playdate hoopla).

I am working at being positive and feeling better, being more active and looking forward to spring. The sixth month mark is approaching and the discussion on trying again has begun.... I have really mixed feelings here.
I suppose I thought I would be more apprehensive or anxious, but I am just completely settled with the notion that I have no control....so what's the point? I am letting go of the wheel (as if I was ever truly steering). Que sera sera.

On another note, I feel very blessed to have my little Oliver in my life. While he sometimes (often) has me tearing my hair out, he is the sweetest little boy there ever was! Tonight we were snuggled on the couch, watching Madagascar and eating grapes and he jumped up and said, "Olvee so happy, wuv my Mama Dada!". Heart melting, Mama loves you too!

Mama be sad!

Life is getting very busy again, I guess that explains the random monthly posts we're getting down to. Sometimes I think that busy is great because it keeps me from being too mopey, I like to be too busy to feel sorry for myself. And sometimes it just catches up with me. You can't run away from the grief, it's there. I am finding that if I'm too busy to give myself time to be sad for a while, if I keep pushing it down....it comes up.
I'm in one of those phases, the last few days it has really been catching up with me. Oliver has been reminding me of Max a lot. Tonight he pointed to some pictures we have framed on the wall and said, "That's mama's baby, be sad" and we said yes, that it was baby Max and that he was sleeping. He said, "He'll wake up soon. Gotta find him mama, he's gone!" We explained that he was in Heaven and that we'd find him some day.
Yeah, two year olds don't really know what's going on, right? Well, he summed that up pretty quickly.
I guess I'm glad that he's getting an understanding of his brother, I don't want him to find out in some shocking way when he's twelve but it's difficult to know how to explain things to a toddler.
We had another experience in the fall at an immunization clinic where he wanted to see a couple's baby and we kept bringing him away (they didn't seem too warm to the idea of a sticky two year old near their new baby), finally he was yelling, "See baby Max!" Awkward.... We left soon after, trying to explain to him that that wasn't baby Max.
Maybe there is a book I can read to him....Lord knows I've found out lately that there are books about all sorts of things you wouldn't expect.

Merry Christmas Baby Max!

Happy four months in heaven Baby Max.
I can't believe it's been four months, feels like a lifetime and it also feels like just yesterday that I held you.
I really missed you over the holidays. Daddy and I made ice candles for you and we are still keeping them lit. I love every little reminder of you, even somthing as simple as a candle.
I kept telling myself that Christmas was just another day....but it was a special day and no matter how many times I tell myself that God had other plans for you, I had plans too...
You should have been with us, Oliver should have a little brother and daddy and I should be having sleepless nights with you. You should be here, smiling and rolling over and delighting us with your little personality and the wonder of who you'll be.
Instead I prayed that you had a good Christmas in heaven and that our loved ones that went before were holding you and loving you. I imagine you growing up in heaven instead of here and I hope that the Grandpas and Grandmas there are taking good care of you.
Merry Christmas
Love you lots,
Mommy