Maxwell's Birthday Fundraiser

What a blast we had planning and executing Max's birthday fundraiser and it was a huge success! It was truly a labor of love in his name and we really enjoyed having something that allowed us so much focus on him.








We chose to raise funds for the Kinsmen Foundation because we love their dedication to helping local families in need. They helped us travel to Toronto to see doctors when Max was diagnosed in utero with a congenital diaphragmatic hernia. They covered our travel and accommodation costs and were willing to continue to do so for as long as we needed to be there. They really do understand just how stressful it is for families in these situations and they did their best to make things as easy as possible for us.






So we wanted to help them to continue to help others in memory of our sweet little Max. We held our fundraiser at Schryer's Smoked BBQ house in Saskatoon on August 24th and almost one hundred people attended! There were silent auction items and door prizes and a 50/50 draw, it was fantastic and the food was great!

 Thanks to everyone who helped us celebrate Maxwell's second birthday in heaven and thanks for helping us raise funds for such a good cause!

Maxwell Bear

We had heard about a wonderful organization that makes bears to the weight your baby was, they are called Molly Bears, each bear is hand made and everything is done by donation. Our Maxwell Bear came just the other day, what a jumble of emotions to hold his precious weight again!
I'm in the middle of planning his second birthday/angelversary extravaganza and there is so much focus on him right now and having his bear, as a physical representation of him that I can cuddle.... It's just so special. I'm really having a great time planning everything and I love that this gives me an excuse to spend time focusing on my Max.

I snuggle my Max Bear at least once a day and now so can his brother and sister, thanks again Molly Bears!

ABC, 123, baby you and me!

I can't think of any better way to explain this than this. Having Madeline, adding to our family again....I feel like part of my alphabet is missing or the number two from my count. I have baby one and baby three here and somehow that adds up to two... But I don't have two kids, I have three.
I can see so clearly the hole that Max left in our family. There is a size missing between my great big three and a half year old and this new baby, there should be a one and a half year old too.
And now, having Madeline, I can't help to notice all of the things that we missed out on with Max. All of these thoughts that I wouldn't let myself have, the places I tried to avoid going... I can't watch Madeline doing all of these things and not think about how he didn't have the chance to do them. Thinking about what he would have looked like smiling and how he would have sounded if he could have cried or cooed. It's like I can't move forward with my family without devoting some time to his memory and who he could have been.
It's painful. It is cracking open the grief all over again, but it's probably a good thing. I think in a way it's healing too.
I will always feel that someone is missing from our family, this void will always be here. While I do sometimes answer that I have two kids, I feel like I'm lying. I feel like people must know or see through my answer as I stutter over the number, because it just doesn't add up.

Max's little sister!

 Max and Oliver are big brothers! Our sweet little Madeline Alana finally arrived on November 25th, she weighed 9lbs 10oz and was 20.5 inches long. We both had a bit of a rough start, she was admitted to the NICU with low blood sugar and spent 8 days there, during which I ended up dealing with postpartum hypertension again. Now we are finally both home and healthy and settling in.
Oliver is ecstatic with 'his baby'! He calls her Baby Madeline, which sounds like Baby Melon when he says it...lol, a memory for her baby book.
These first few weeks home have broken open the grief all over again. All of these firsts that we never got to have with Max and how she looks so much like he did. I'm struggling with so many emotions, from being so happy and totally infatuated with her to guilt and anger and frustration about why her and not Max. Why does she get to be here and not him? There is simply no answer to that question that will ever satisfy me.
As if it's not difficult enough adding a family member and adjusting with a new baby, but to throw in all of this grief and guilt and anger... What a mess!
We feel so very blessed to have our two sweet babes here, but what we wouldn't give to have all three of our children in our arms.

Come on baby Madeline!

I'm actually sitting here having mild contractions, but this has been happening off and on for almost a week now. While I'm only 38 weeks now, this false labour is making me crazy... I wish it would just start or stop already. Also, I'm very anxious to meet this baby and have her safely in my arms. This anxiety is pretty normal I guess, I thought that things would be better after the ultrasound and knowing that the baby seems healthy... It did help a bit, but I'm very aware of all sorts of things that could go wrong and I don't know that that worry will ever go away. Somehow I feel like being able to hold her and see her will help, but I know that I'll still worry. As it is I worry myself sick about Oliver... Andrew often tells me I can't keep him in bubble wrap forever!
Anyways, I've been talking to Maddy and telling her to hurry up... Today I thought I'd try Max, so I told him to tell his little sister to come out and meet us. Maybe that's why she's being so stubborn, she's hanging out with him...

Before and After

I think I will always think of my life as Before and After Max, especially the date of his diagnosis and the date of his birth and death. When I look back these are some of the most truly defining moments for us as a family. There is the general history of us, dating, our marriage, becoming parents, all normal and wonderful things and while I may have thought that these were life defining at the time....now they pale in comparison to the solid line drawn in my mind of Before and After.
Max's diagnosis and death forever changed my view of the world, in a way that I'm still learning about today. It's one thing to see terrible things happen in others' lives, to know that it's possible, but to still feel like those horrible things can't happen to us or any of my loved ones.
Slowly but surely life has settled into a new normal for us, but that defining line is drawn in my mind.... If someone talks about a past event or even if I look back a pictures of us, my immediate thought is that was either Before or After... The loss of our precious Max was truly the loss of innocence.

Happy 1st Birthday in heaven Baby Max!

 We had a beautiful celebration for Max's birthday at the baby memorial wall where we had his name added last spring. It's such a pretty place in the cemetery and we love to visit there often. We brought balloons to do a balloon release and everyone wrote a special message to send to him in heaven. The kids especially loved doing this and the party was truly started when some balloons got stuck in the trees. Oliver loved all the antics to get the balloons unstuck and then demanded that we get more stuck and do it again! We also brought cupcakes that my nieces helped to decorate for Max and they were a big hit too. Thanks to everyone who helped us celebrate!

This was really a day of mixed emotions for me. I didn't want the celebration to be sad and I'm so glad that it really was a joyful gathering of family and friends. However, the days leading up to it were difficult and so full of memories of labour starting, the waiting and worrying and the precious little time we had with him. It was so hard to believe it had been a year, somedays it still feels like yesterday...

 Instead of pictures of a one year old, I will share pictures of the celebration and some of the beautiful gifts we got as memorials. 

Happy Birthday little Max, hope our wishes found you in heaven.
Love always,
Mommy