I remember coming home from the appointment when Max was first diagnosed. I was in shock, now I recognize that. I felt frozen in place for days afterwards. Everyone around me went on about their business, I think we all felt this mad rush to prepare for what was to come - good or bad, we were going to need help. (Later I realized it was going to be bad or worse...which was which, who knows?)
In those first few frozen days I couldn't do what everyone else did, I couldn't get away from the reality of Max. He was always with me and very active. I remember saying that Oliver moved a lot, as if to remind me that he was there. Well Max didn't want me to forget for a second, as if I could!
This was the most intense grieving period for me, accepting that no matter what happened this child would not have the life I had envisioned for him. In the months that followed I didn't know how we would ever go on with life. The rest of the pregnancy was spent one day at a time and really that's how we got through the first few weeks after he was born too.
One day I realized I could take a deep breath and that I felt a sense of relief. This really bothered me and I spent quite a bit of time sorting it out. The waiting was over and we could go on with life, but I was also pissed off that we could... I didn't really want life to just go on so easily for us, I was also mad that my body had healed and my milk had gone so quickly. How dare my body have the ability to heal itself when it couldn't fix my baby? I felt like I wanted to dig my heals in and stay right where I was. It doesn't feel good to feel angry all the time though, and luckily I could only keep this up in short bursts.
I remember thinking I didn't know how I'd ever face the world and go back to work after all of this. Towards the end of the summer I honestly didn't think I ever would. Surprisingly, everyone who says you just won't know how you'll feel until you're there - they are right. I am ready to go back to work and join the real world again, I guess it's accepting what is....I am here, now. I could hide away for a while longer , but it won't change what happened and it won't be good for me.
What has eased things a little for me is letting myself feel what I do and accepting it. Sometimes it confuses me, but being open to the emotions and rolling with punches is easier than fighting against them.