Our family

Our family

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Tears on my pillow

The other day someone said, "One day this won't be the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning and the last thing you think of before you go to sleep at night." and I realized I do that. Oh my gosh, I totally do that! Then I thought 'Really? Yeah, right!'
I pray/talk to Max every night before I fall asleep. I have a picture of him, a cross that was a gift after he passed and a prayer that I framed hanging on the wall beside my bed, some might call this a shrine... I don't care.
I lay there at night and I look at his beautiful little face, when it's too painful I shut the lights off and talk to him in the dark. I'm getting really good at this tears on my pillow thing, some nights Andrew doesn't even notice. I tell Max that one day we'll be together again and that I will spend the rest of my life waiting to see his beautiful little face again. I tell him how much I love him and miss him and would give anything to hold him again. I've even 'felt' him move, I've heard other mothers have had this same experience. I remember reading about it right after he passed and I thought it was phooey, but sometimes it's exactly that feeling of a baby moving...when you're about six months along, noticeable and definitely not gas. My hand goes straight to my tummy, I'm so eager to feel him again.....but then it's gone.... like a ghost. And my belly isn't six months pregnant..... it's empty and that's how I feel.
I also talk to God and ask him to keep my baby safe, I hope someone is snuggling him in their arms for me and loving him how I wanted to.
Some nights I have a hard time falling asleep and I have to force myself to think of anything else.
The mornings are usually easier, if I'm lucky I sleep until I hear Oliver awake and then he's the first thing on my mind. He's busy, I like busy...busy is good.
Most of the time I wake up before everyone and by then it's light out and I look at Max's picture again and I can't make myself close my eyes and I can't shut my brain off...... and there are tears on my pillow.

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